


No Free Time We Work Like Proper Spies

by the_girl_that_time_forgot



Series: Secret Files of the Celestial Intervention Agency [1]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, chat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23184463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_girl_that_time_forgot/pseuds/the_girl_that_time_forgot
Summary: Um... I was bored, started listening to Weapon of Choice, and This... happened :D'This' means a kind of not-very-serious slightly(or more) AU retelling of Galli audios, told by the means of archived chats, secret messages and mission reports...
Series: Secret Files of the Celestial Intervention Agency [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1666900
Comments: 15
Kudos: 9





	1. See you there!

**Author's Note:**

> This work is heavily inspired by 'Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation' by Hades_the_Blingking :) although I can't write crack even half as well as Hades does...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ba'aruk - representing the Monan Host  
> Sardonopolous - representing the Warpsmiths of Phaidon  
> Scragbite - representing the Nekkistanis

CIA Chat Logs Archive

last access time: 12:35:14 28/10/8567/00-21

[ **CommanderTorvald** entered TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

**CommanderTorvald** : @ **Ba’aruk** @ **Scragbite** @ **Sardonopolous**

 **CommanderTorvald** : I’m sending the next inspection information

 **CommanderTorvald** : Third Moon of Kikrit, Fourth Quarter, 3653 Sensorian Era

 **CommanderTorvald** : Coordinates: 15-22-324-10-17/37-914

 **CommanderTorvald** : See you there!

[ **Ba’aruk** entered TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

[ **Sardonopolous** entered TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

**Ba’aruk** : not again

 **Ba’aruk** : we just did an inspection two days ago

 **Sardonopolous** : ~ * ˚ * Time Is A Construct * ˚ * ~

 **Ba’aruk** : …

 **Ba’aruk** : ******* warpsmiths

 **Ba’aruk** : if you have nothing to say say nothing

 **Ba’aruk** : @ **CommanderTorvald** if this is yet another case of a bored cloister wraith messing with your matrix data i’m gonna file a proper complaint for wasting my time

 **Sardonopolous** : ~ * ˚ * Time Is A Construct * ˚ * ~

 **Ba’aruk** : someone hold me

 **CommanderTorvald** : …

 **CommanderTorvald** : Do I work with children??? Just ignore the Warpsmith

 **CommanderTorvald** : The Wraiths have been dealt with, as promised, this new case is a VAILD detection from our VortexOps™

 **ċ̸̣͍͖̣ͅl̷̝̯̠̦͚̝̘̦̲̤̜̮̠̓o̸̡̰̩̜͚̹̬̟̠͛͆͆̅́̚͠͝í̴͔̘̗̼̼̲̖̥̞͔̝̙̻̄͑̚͠s̸̯̫͔̣͖̑ṫ̸̘͕̆͋̉̆̉̒̏̆̑̂̀̕ē̵̩̲͙̹͇̖̦͚̫͓̍̎̓̍͝ŗ̶̭͖̪͎͎̬̲͉͓͕̜̖w̷̛̠͆͒͗̐̏́r̴̡̳͓͓͔̜̝̼̊̏͘ȃ̸̤̬̲̒̍͗̓́͗̾̚͝ȋ̷̢̡̻̭̳̦̙͚͎̳̈́̂̉̉̄̓̎̍̍͛͂̏̇̄ṯ̷̨̢̼̭͚̻̭̖̹̈́̐͆̋͂̂̄͘͜͝͝͠h̵̨̧͕̖͕̩̜͉͍̣̲̘͖̑̓͑̅** : you'd like to think that, wouldn't you :)

 **Ba'aruk** : what was that?!?!

 **CommanderTorvald** : NOTHING

 **CommanderTorvald** : A GLITCH

 **CommanderTorvald** : As I was saying, we have a VALID trace of an unregistered, uncivilised piece of time technology detected in a remote location, so it’s our job to check it out! Just get your ***** there!

[ **CommanderTorvald** left TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

**Ba’aruk** : all right all right calm your *******

 **Ba’aruk** : and **** your auto-censor

 **Sardonopolous** : ~ * ˚ * I’m Going To Wear A New Body * ˚ * ~

 **Ba’aruk** : …

 **Ba’aruk** : *screaming internally*

[ **Ba’aruk** left TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

[ **Sardonopolous** left TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

[ **Scragbite** entered TEMPORAL POWERS INSPECTION TEAM#3 OFFICIAL CHAT]

**Scragbite** : oooh, new trip!


	2. working in difficult conditions

**Mission Report #325694-W-47/111E/CIA**

Summary 

Destination: 15-22-324-10-17/37-914

Goal: unregistered time technology assessment

Team: Temporal Powers Inspection Team#3

Written by: Commander Torvald, CIA

Mission status (cross out unnecessary terms):

 ~~successful~~ / ~~mostly successful with minor setbacks~~ / ~~at least we didn't change any timelines~~ / we hope we didn't change any timelines / ~~we changed some timelines~~ / ~~somehow we changed a fixed point in time~~ / ~~we screwed up so much that we don't talk about this even as a cautionary tale for future generations of operatives~~ / ~~yikes~~

Detailed report 

First of all, I don't want to be on this team anymore. I'm done being the only sane person there.

Second of all, the wifi privileges of the Cloister Wraiths should be re-examined and re-negotiated.

Now, about the Inspection.

We arrived at our destination.

We entered the hangar which, to our agency's best knowledge, contained traces of some kind of unregistered time technology.

We found a suspicious briefcase and encircled it with a safety force field.

Then the thrall Nepenthe, that we were led to believe carried the Warpsmith's consciousness,

  * broke through the force field,

  * declared herself human,

  * took the briefcase containing, allegedly, a "timonic fusion device",

  * flipped us,

  * vanished screaming "FREEEEE TIIIIIIME".




The remaining team members left the hangar which promptly exploded.

Ba'aruk wants a compensation for "working in difficult conditions". Scragbite agrees. I just want out.

\----------------------------

Coordinator's notes:

We need to have a talk about what does the word "detailed" mean, _Torvald_.

I also hope these events didn't change any timelines because I've got a massive headache, my cat is missing, and i have just lost a farm in Minecraft. I'm not in the Mood.


	3. Academy Group Project

Presidential Chat Logs Archive

last access time: 21:14:47 28/10/8567/69366641

[ **PresidentRomana** entered WE RULE GALLIFREY CHAT]

[ **PresidentRomana** changed chat name to I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**K9** : Mozart?

 **PresidentRomana** : Not now, K9. Take care of my new farm first.

 **K9** : Yes, Mistress.

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** entered I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

[ **CardinalBraxiatel** entered I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**PresidentRomana** : Ah, there you are.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Madam President, we talked about chat names

 **PresidentRomana** : We did. And?

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : ...

 **PresidentRomana** : That's better. Now, TIMEONIC FUSION DEVICE. Explain.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : There's no such thing. And it's TIM-ONIC, not TIM-E-ONIC.

 **PresidentRomana** : ...

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : ...

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : what?

 **PresidentRomana** : tired.gif

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : @ **PresidentRomana** are you sure this is the best coordinator material we've got?

 **PresidentRomana** : No

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : ?!?!?!

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : I have no idea what do you want from me, Madam President!!! Gallifrey doesn't have any devices like this!!!

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : _Project Alpha_ , coordinator. We might as well tell her.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : ...

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : That was YEARS ago, and, as the Cardinal is well aware, that project was cancelled and discared. And there's no way anyone else could replicate it!

 **PresidentRomana** : Why was it cancelled? What happened to the project members?

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : It was an Academy Group Project.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Which means I had to do everything myself

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : Excuse me? I did the presentation!

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Yes, I'll be forever grateful for your significant contribution to a TIME ENGINEERING class project. You did the PRESENTATION.

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : We got the highest marks ONLY because of MY ingenious presentation of YOUR CRAPPY IDEAS, coordinator. That device blew into our faces when we tried to turn it on.

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : Took me a long time to grow the mustache back.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : You looked better without it!

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : what

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : what

 **PresidentRomana** : Get your own chat you two!

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : ...anyway, other "team members" had no idea what I was working on.

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : Can confirm, they were just sitting in the adjacent lab playing Temporal Bartok with Short Range Time Blender of Rassilon™

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : You say it as if you weren't playing with them

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : Hey, but at least I used to bring you coffee and check if you're still alive there!

 **CoordinatorNarvin** :

 **PresidentRomana** : Okay, whatever, we still need to figure out how to-

 **K9** : @ **PresidentRomana** INCOMING TRANSMISSION FROM THE HIGH MONAN

 **PresidentRomana** : Great, they're already on it

 **PresidentRomana** : I gotta take this

 **PresidentRomana** : And you two better send me everything you know about this Project Alpha

 **PresidentRomana** : You've got 3 minutes. Or until I finish my call. Whatever comes first.

 **PresidentRomana** : START

[ **PresidentRomana** left I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**CardinalBraxiatel** : Aaaah. Report Races. I missed that. It's like the Academy all over again.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Nobody's better at bullshitting reports than me.

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : Wanna bet?

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** left I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**CardinalBraxiatel** : Coward.

[ **CardinalBraxiatel** left I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**K9** : Anyone up for Mozart?

\- 3 minutes later -

[ **PresidentRomana** entered I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** entered I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

[ **CardinalBraxiatel** entered I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**K9** : Mozart?

 **PresidentRomana** : Not now, K9!

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : Couldn't you change his settings?

 **PresidentRomana** : Later. Report, now!

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : timonicfusiondevicereport.pdf

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : alpha.pdf

 **PresidentRomana** : ...

 **PresidentRomana** : I hoped you could work together and send me just one file...

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : You did?

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : You did?

 **PresidentRomana** : *sigh* of course not, I know you

 **PresidentRomana** : Anyway, we need to send someone on Gryben

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : whom?

 **PresidentRomana** : don't worry I got this

[ **PresidentRomana** added **Leela** to I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**CoordinatorNarvin** : ...

 **CardinalBraxiatel** : ...

 **Leela** : NO


	4. all or nothing

CIA Chat Logs Archive

last access time: 22:47:19 28/10/8567/4789/36

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** created INTELLIGENCE TEAM#5437]

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** added **CommanderTorvald** to INTELLIGENCE TEAM#5437]

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** added **Leela** to INTELLIGENCE TEAM#5437]

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** added **K9-I** to INTELLIGENCE TEAM#5437]

**CoordinatorNarvin** : All right, TEAM#5437, this is your emergency chat for this operation.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : For the record, I have absolutely no idea why does Madam President think that this team has even a remote chance of success

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : but it's her bad decision to make, so let's just roll with it

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** added this chat log to Absolutely_Not_Impeachment_Materials_Or_Are_They directory]

**CommanderTorvald** : ...thanks for your support, Coordinator...

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : No problem, Commander. Anyway, the primary object of this mission is to gather intelligence on the Free Time organisation's movements and the location of the alleged Timonic Fusion Device.

 **CoordiantorNarvin** : You're going incognito, please try not to blow your covers as long as possible. This year's CIA official record is 10 whole minutes. The reward for establishing a new record is one (1) free weekend and one (1) possibility of using The Relative Flux Mixer of Rassilon™ on a chosen non-fixed point in time.

 **Leela** : ...

 **Leela** : what even is CIA and how does this whole planet still exist

[ **K9-I** changed name to **MasterOfSlaves** ]

[ **K9-I** changed chat name to ME&MY_SLAVES]

**Leela** : K9, what's wrong with you?

 **MasterOfSlaves** : All systems functional, slave!

 **Leela** : ...

 **Leela** : oh, you're already in your role?

 **CommanderTorvald** : It's all or nothing with the tin dog, isn't it

 **MasterOfSlaves** : Cease your impertinent talk, slave!

 **Leela** : yeah Torvald, you heard your master :):):)

 **CommanderTorvald** : ...

 **CommanderTorvald** : and here I wanted a new team

 **CommanderTorvald** : I TAKE IT BACK I CAN'T WORK WITH MANIAC ROBOTS AND UNSTABLE WOMEN WITH KNIVES

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : @ **CommanderTorvald** stop whining and get to work. You're materializing on Gryben in 3...2...1...

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : There.

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Good luck and keep me updated.

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** left ME&MY_SLAVES]

**Leela** : ( ͡≖ ͜ʖ ͡≖)🔪

 **MasterOfSlaves** : Follow me, slaves!

 **CommanderTorvald** : ugh


	5. m&ms

CIA Chat Logs Archive

last access time: 23:16:34 28/10/85675/23/001

CHATROOM: ME&MY_SLAVES

 **CommanderTorvald** : @ **CoordinatorNarvin** \- situation update -

 **CommanderTorvald** : well, we didn't beat the record

 **CommanderTorvald** : Leela started a fight like 10 seconds after we arrived, the tin dog went his own way and didn't give a **** about us

 **CommanderTorvald** : Teamwork, my ***

 **CommanderTorvald** : #IKnewYouWereTroubleWhenYouWalkedIn

 **Leela** : so shame on YOU, weasel!

 **CommanderTorvald** : HOWEVER

 **CommanderTorvald** : even under such UNFAVOURABLE CIRCUMSTANCES I managed to obtain intel on the Free Time headquarters location and how to get in

 **CommanderTorvlad** : so there – SUCCESS

 **Leela** : oh really? you were just lucky that this slimo recognized and threatened you

 **CommanderTorvald** : Nobody _threatens_ CIA agents, he _made us an offer_

 **Leela** : *snort* riiight...

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** entered ME&MY_SLAVES]

**CoordinatorNarvin** : Well, that's still surprisingly good news, Commander

 **CommanderTorvald** : thank you, Coordinator. We're sending you the guy who sold us the info in exchange for the audience with our Madam President

 **Leela** : he's a shifty sneaky little snake so you'd beter watch out

 **CoordinatorNarvin** :

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : all right, I'll tell Madam President to be careful

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Carry on with your mission!

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** left ME&MY_SLAVES]

[ **Leela** changed chat name to M&Ms]

**CommanderTorvald** :

 **CommanderTorvald** : hilarious

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Presidential Chat Logs Archive

last access time: 23:21:47 28/10/2547964/589/3336

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** entered I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]

**PresidentRomana** : so what's happening on Gryben?

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Leela and Torvald haven't killed each other yet

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : Leela's K9 unit is still working

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : the Free Time headquarters have been located by sheer luck, apparently

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : also you have a visitor from Gryben

 **PresidentRomana** : See, I told you this was a good idea!

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : I'm not worried yet, there's still a hundred ways it may all go wrong :)

 **PresidentRomana** : If that's what keeps you going, Coordinator... :)

 **PresidentRomana** : All right, bring that visitor to me

 **CoordinatorNarvin** : On my way.

[ **CoordinatorNarvin** left I RULE GALLIFREY YOU JUST HELP]


End file.
